Is This Used Condom In The Middle Of The Sidewalk Evidence Of Carelessness Or Carefulness?
/By Anya Volz
Uh oh! Not again! You thought the banana peel you just slipped on, on your way to work was a little more lubricated than usual. You look down to investigate what just caused you to be one more minute late than your usual four and a half minutes, and you see latex and actual human semen cooking on the sidewalk in the hot sun! Delicious! Before letting the fact that this is now all over the bottom of your shoe and you will both literally and figuratively carry it with you for the rest of your day, you have to wonder: Is this used condom in the middle of the sidewalk evidence of it's users' carelessness or carefulness?
Argument #1: Whoever is responsible for this is literal scum
Many might be quick to assert that this condom is clearly the mark of a thoughtless, negligent individual (or, more likely, individuals). What kind of a person leaves their baby batter in an object that could easily be mistaken for a water balloon, only to be found and inevitably strung onto a child's macaroni necklace and proudly presented to a parent as part of a scavenging arts and crafts project? Surely, the kind of person who doesn't think about how such a chain of events would reflect on the whimsical art teacher who only wanted to teach the kids about the vitality of repurposing. Only an asshole would insist upon single-handedly destroying the significance of a lesson about waste, the environment and children's creativity.
Of course, this piece of shit never thought about who might bear witness to their strewn bag of splooge on the busy sidewalk. They never thought about who might be walking Fido the dog with an affinity for all things disgusting (as most dogs have) and would be hours later cleaning this prick's tattie water out of the carpet where Fido disgorged the delightful treat. They didn't think of you or the months you've tirelessly worked to incrementally increase your lateness by a mere ten to twenty seconds at a time to see how far your boss is willing to let it slide without addressing the issue. An entire MINUTE? Hah! The jig is up now, for sure! Thanks a lot, jackass. What a disgraceful display of irresponsibility.
Argument #2: We're being ungrateful
Are we going to simply disregard the fact that whomever this condom once belonged to had the foresight to not throw their whole future away on one passionate night of ...whatever they were doing? (Sex on the sidewalk, I guess? Honestly, that part is still not 100% clear.) No, they buckled down, put their hard-earned money down on some nice Trojans (ribbed for her pleasure, and everything!), and they protected themselves and their "loved one" from the consequences of unprotected sidewalk sex. Or at least the consequences other than the possibility of road rash or being charged for public indecency. Trojan's still working on a product line for protection from those two things.
Not only did they practice safe sex, but they commemorated the event by leaving the condom at the site the positive life choice being made. Maybe they did think of the child who might stumble across this memento. You know what you can't blame them for? This kid's parents' failure to talk about and destigmatize sex starting at a young age. I'll tell you what that macaroni necklace is from this side of the argument: a great jumping off point for a long-due conversation.
And maybe it's time that irresponsible dog owner rose to the occasion and fucking trained Fido not to eat anything remotely edible on the street. They should just count their blessings and be happy our responsible friend didn't splurge on chocolate flavored condoms last night. Then Fido would really be in a sticky situation. Take this as a valuable lesson that nobody can train your dog for you, least of all the type of people who are too busy having a great time on this residential sidewalk at 2:00am.
It's still not cool about messing up your lateness agenda, but sacrifices have to be made for all good causes.
Argument #3: We're reading too far into this
I can see why you might think that. And you're probably right. But doesn't it feel better to assign meaning to what is otherwise a meaningless, chaotic existence?
Let's go fuck on the sidewalk before it's too late.
