Passover, As Told By Ginger (If Ginger Was Wasted)
/by Lori Goldman
Get out your Prince of Egypt DVDs (or Rugrats' Passover, both great films) and pretend that you love that gluten-free lifestyle because it is mother fucking Passover. Hashtag RIP firstborn Egyptians! Miss you!
Passover is my favorite holiday because you get drunk with your grandpa who inevitably goes into a third act monologue about how one time Jesus spoke to him in a dream. Jesus has divine powers, you guys, but he is not the SON of god. I know that to be true because Jesus himself said that to my Grandpa Seymour back in the late '90s.
Anyway, Passover is also awesome because it's all about freedom and radicalism. Passover is also probably about Bernie Sanders. Bring that up at your next dinner party. Someone is bound to agree.
In any event, this is the story of Passover. Shout out to 7 years of Jewish day school education. Pray hard, play hard, bitches!!!
Egypt was kind of a fucked up place. Imagine the Trump presidency. But all of his real estate was pyramids and the Jews were like a weird Muslim/Mexican hybrid. Wait IS this story about Bernie Sanders??
Ok, so Pharaoh Trump was all "These Jews keep having babies, enough already," so he issued a decree or whatever saying that all newborn Jews had to be killed. Cut to our Yocheved, a jewess who just gave birth to a son! Oh shit! She knew that Pharaoh's secret service were coming any second so she was like, "Yo Miriam!" Miriam was her daughter. "Yo Miriam! Get this baby and put him in a basket. Send him down the nile, that's the only way." Miriam was like, "WTF this seems like a very trashy thing to do, but okay, mom." So Miriam put him in a basket and then hid in the bushes while scurrying alongside her brother. Finally the basket, holding Moses Sanders, made its way to Batya. Batya was the (infertile?) daughter of Pharaoh who like loved kids, that was sort of her thing. Literally the people's princess. I don't want to give her too much credit though because she didn't do anything when her dad wanted ENACT A GENOCIDE, but like it was a man's world, it's not totally her fault. Regardless, we should all boycott Ivanka Trump's line at T.J. Maxx because remaining silent means you are on the side of the oppressor, etc.
Batya takes Moses as her son because it may be his-(s)tory, but literally women do everything. The problem is, she has no #milk in those barren tits, so she needs a wet nurse. Conceptually, wet nurses are either the most beautiful form of sisterhood or just supremely disgusting. Cast your vote in the comments!
Anyway, Yocheved, with those baby bearing breasts of hers, becomes Batya's personal cow. Maybe Miriam suggested it (cue "Who Run the World") but I really don't remember. The point is that is takes a fucking village to raise a child so can someone PLEASE get some affordable childcare going on this side of the Arabian sea??
Moses grows up and is super bothered by the treatment of the Jewish slaves because he is woke AF. He ends up killing this guy who he catches beating a slave, but then Moses freaks out because he like sort of had this sneaking suspicion that he was Jewish and like maybe this confirms it??? It's like getting your first gay crush. You have to sit with it and be like, "OMG is this my queer life??? Did Will & Grace prepare me for this?? KAREN ARE YOU THERE?!?!?"
So Moses runs away to Vermont and becomes the mayor. While there, he sees a Burning Bush (see: Adjusting to Life As a Feminine Person With Body Hair) which is actually a misnomer because the bush was on fire but not actually burning!!!! Miracles of miracles!!!
Moses is just like "BUT HOW?" and then God, played by Elizabeth Warren, calls down, "tell Pharaoh to let my people go."
So Moses takes a pilgrimage back to Egypt to ask Pharaoh to let his mother fucking people go, but Pharaoh is just not playing that game. I'm pretty sure Pharoah used a gay slur while making fun of Moses's lisp which was just uncalled for. Moses said, "You're a fucking lunatic and I'm sending 10 plagues so just check yourself, okay?"
And Moses did. There were frogs and lice and boils and hail and scarlet and black and ochre and peach. That was a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat joke. Kudos, thank you, and I'm sorry to anyone who got it. For those of you catching up, here are 10 things that plague me, just in case you were wondering.
1. Depression
2. Low Self-Esteem
3. A Neighbor Who Is Constantly Yelling At His Yappy Chihuahua
4. Panic Attacks
5. A Perfect Nose
6. Adult Onset Acne
7. Uneven Eyelids
8. Unencumbered Talent
9. Overprotective Parents
10. Smoking Weed Makes Me Hella Paranoid
Anyway, the final plague was the death of every Egyptian firstborn-- the atomic bomb of plagues. Jews were told to leave a mark outside their doors so that the Angel of Death would PASS OVER their homes. PASS OVER!!! PASSOVER!!! DO YOU GET IT?? DO YOU??!???!
After that, Pharaoh was like WTF FINE LEAVE. So the Jews did, but as they were crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptian army was behind them. The sea parted just long enough for the Jews to cross and then the Egyptians drowned.
Upon getting to the other side, the Jews started celebrating. Moses scolded them because you should never celebrate death, even if it is the death of your enemies. He gives a nice little speech about it, which FUN FACT was my bat mitzvah torah portion. #Beshalach.
That suit though!!
Then the Jews lived happily ever after.
Jk, then they wandered in the desert for 40 years because God thought they were too broken to live in Canaan. And then there was the Holocaust. But whatever! Break out the Manischewitz! It's time to lounge and make matzah pizza!
