So You're Not Engaged And You Didn't Match With A Residency Program Because You're Not In Medical School
/by Lori Goldman
WHO YA GONNA CALL, HUH?? Top pick is obviously Bill Murray with a side of Leslie Jones, but I'll even take a solo Rick Moranis. WE NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK BECAUSE if you are anything like me (a Jew that grew up in the suburbs) your Facebook newsfeed is straight up haunted. By GHOSTS!! From High School!!!
We all thought that nothing was worse than white kids who post too many articles about race that are really only directed towards other white kids (s/o Beyonce's Reformation is bae) but here we are. Gone are the times when we could all have a chuckle about Sally Jewserstein pretending that she knew Trump supporters IRL because WAKE UP BITCHES, it's engagement season.
For the amount of money that floods suburbia, you'd think that boys taking over their fathers' businesses could think of something more creative than spelling out "Marry Me?" in rose petals. Newsflash: this is high stakes prom and no trite drivel is off limits if you are offering a diamond that could pay off you're students loans (that do not exist.)
For the career oriented, this is also the time that 4th year med students announce to the world that they MATCHED with their residency program of choice. You've seen it all. Photos holding the email. Photos of the email next to celebratory champagne and cheesecake (which PS you're about to be a guide into the world of good health, lay off that refined sugar, fam!) Photos of the email that have been soaked in snapchat emojis that say "Hey I may be a member of the medical elite but I am JUST LIKE YOU." DOCTORS ARE JUST LIKE US, YOU GUYS!!!! THEY USE SNAPCHAT AND ONE TIME WORE A REALLY SLUTTY DRESS TO HOMECOMING AND EVERYONE ALL SAW BOTH THIER PUSSY AND THEIR ATTEMPTS TO UNDERSTAND BLOSSOMING SEXUALITY!!!!! YAY MEDICINE!!!! Now someone get me an antibiotic because I am SICK of it.
Here are some of my recent accomplishments that I believe deserve a metric of 3.5 likes per minute:
1. I bought a pair of sunglasses that really suit the shape of my face.
Look, I've been pretending that I have a heart shaped face ever since Reese Witherspoon graced us with her personal resurrection of June Carter Cash. But guess what?? Years of therapy and a Xanax prescription that I save for "special occasions when I feel like I'm dying or am in the mood for a vodka tonic" have made it clear that I have a round. shaped. face. THAT IS MY TRUTH. Armed with the weapon that is knowledge, I bought a reasonable pair of sunglasses. These glasses pay homage to my cheek bones, while making my double chin look purposeful. This is 2016 and fuck yeah I am riding the body positivity train. BOW DOWN TO THE GLASSES BECAUSE I AM YOUR TUMBLR QUEEN. I'd post a picture but I am in no mood to be judged.
2. I found the vaginal anti-itch cream that is right for me.
This is so true and so worthy of praise that I tweeted about it, texted it to a few close friends, and used it as vulnerability leverage in a recent heart-2-heart. Women grow up knowing about one vaginal anti-itch cream: Vagisil. RING RING pick up the phone because the patriarchy is calling and you may have some choice words for him after you doused your labia with the only lotion that has a more distinct smell than Nair. Vagisil is not the answer. Vagisil is what fuq boys pedal to smart women who don't have the courage to say "HEY anal sex makes me feel weirdly powerful after the fact, but very yucky in the moment, and Monistat is MY vaginal anti-itch cream of choice." Basically, I've come into myself as a woman and I have the power to apply an enjoyably cooling anti-itch salve before I allow anyone else to come into myself.
3. I got pretty drunk and my dog did not judge me for it.
Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. I come from a household where my father would give me a very deliberate hug whenever I came back from being *~*out*~* to make sure that I had not been hanging out in a whore house with my slutty doctor friend, Mary Jane. I am used to being under psychological attack. I believe I mentioned that I am Jewish, single, and not in medical school. HOWEVER, there is no guilt gravy more heavy than that which is slathered on by my dog. One time I ordered two entrees from the Chinese takeout down the street, ate them both in front of him, and he refused to sleep in the same bed as me. He literally chose the floor over my grease-pit haven!!! The shade of it all!!!! He hates when I self-sabotage which tbh is a little heart-warming because like he CARES, you know? But it also can really harsh my vibe. Here is the success story: I came home on a Tuesday, very wasted, and yet I had my shit TOGETHER, people. So much so that he did not suspect a single fucking thing. He lay proudly by my side even as I had to wake up in the middle of the night to chug the week-old seltzer sitting on my dresser. Calm down, it was pamplemousse, okay???? I'm fine.
4. I stole a beer from my roommate.
Yes! That is right! I am in a loving domestic partnership with my roommate and it doesn't matter that I took something that doesn't belong to me. She knows what it is like to be alive in this god forsaken world and she would want me to be happy. Literally I didn't ask her for this beer and so she didn't "say yes!!!!!!!!" but I don't need an instagram to validate my chosen lifestyle.
5. GUESS WHAT I DON'T HAVE A FIFTH.
But that doesn't matter because I am a strong, independent woman who has chosen a life that is in the exact middle of saying "fuck it, I'm quitting my job to work on a weed farm and travel the world" and saying "fuck it, I am going to live the exact same life as my parents."
I don't need a fiancé or a medical residency. And neither do you, dear reader. In the words of the Dixie Chicks, we have taken the road less traveled and that has made all the difference. Just kidding that is Robert Frost, the most basic of basic bitches. Like someone get ol' Bobby a pumpkin spice because he is tripping. But, back to us. We are taking the long way around.
I know it's not my place and this is not keeping my chill, but I really hope that you clicked that link and had a good jam because you deserve it.
